Good Bye

I started this journey with good faith, without a direction and with lots of encouragement from others. I started it for sharing what I learnt, what I thought and what I felt. I tried to keep it going. The madness, clamor and the longing for clarity within me always made words flow. I trusted this to last forever like it has for so many years.

But somehow everything is falling to its place now. I feel I have direction. And I feel the permanence of this shift. And as the clamor dies off, a part of me that was struggling and wanting to be heard is at peace. I no longer need to write the way I did. And nothing comes to my mind either. A journey has reached its destination. I am well rested and content. And eitherway, this is not my place I realize. I need a fortress and this is anything but a fortress.

There have been few who actually read this blog. Not to mention my friends who were generous and empathetic. I am grateful. It was a very small stay but I accomplished what I needed to accomplish.

Adieu dear friends. Author needs to take your leave.

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Letter To My Younger Self.

 If there were a letter I have to write to my younger self, let’s say, to the twenty years old me, what will that letter look like? It’s a trending topic and I thought I might as well give a try !! Because we know ourselves most intimately, isn’t it.

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Dear,

I know you are trying to stay afloat and it feels daunting. But believe me however tough it may be to imagine, but your difficulties will eventually transform you into someone you’ll be proud of. I know you are constantly wondering what’s wrong with you. Believe me, nothing is wrong with you. You are okay. Absolutely okay. You just need to stop second doubting yourself.

So if you feel you are too sensitive. Know that it’s okay to be sensitive and it can be a gift. If you feel out of place, know that there’s place for every creature in this earth. Never feel apologetic about being unconventional or open. Never be defensive about your different opinions and non stereotypical thinking. Don’t follow the crowd if you don’t desire to. It’s okay to choose a different life than is expected from you. It’s okay to create your own rules and your own boundaries. And remember, if you feel that the whole world is against you, you haven’t really seen the world.

People’s opinion is their business not yours. Your business should be with you. It’s okay to be disconnected with people who you don’t connect with. With time, you’ll find your tribe. And often, we are not born in the tribe we belong to.

No one can define your success but you.  It’s okay to be satisfied for less. it’s okay to be super ambitious. It’s okay to be a follower or a trendsetter.  It’s okay to sit back and take it slow. It’s okay to chase goals aggressively. As long as you are truly in-charge of what you are doing nothing matters. Make conscious and not compulsive choices. Don’t let wilderness of race get you. Make a living but also make sure you keep the romance alive. Be in touch with what sparks the sense of wonder and joy in you. And pursue it diligently. Trust your gut. Trust your intelligence.  Trust your ideas and your creative instincts.

You don’t need a soulmate. But It’s okay to fall in love and fall out of love. It’s okay not to fall in love at all. It’s okay to desire men.  It’s okay to desire women. Or both. Accept yourself without a shred of guilt

 Know that relationships are variable reality. Nurture them but don’t resist inevitable changes. Relationships evolve and often dissolve. And if it needs to break, let it break without fearing what may come. Let it break without labeling it as a failure.  It can be painful. But embrace pain nevertheless. Don’t fear breakdowns. Nothing is meant to last forever in true terms.  

Take your stand where you must. It’s not okay to let someone harass you, dismiss you or insult you for what you are. It’s not okay if someone pushes boundaries that you have put up for yourself. It’s not okay to let any other person decide the course of your life. It’s not okay to change yourself elementally to suit someone else’s need. It’s not okay to sacrifice your dreams just in order to be seen as an epitome of goodness.  

Care for your friends as much as they care for you. Your friends will  be there when things go stormy. But also know it’s okay to have friends or none at all. Don’t force friendships. As a matter of fact, don’t force relationships of any kind. Everyone has a right to choose their own values. You can’t force people to change just like people can’t force you to change. Live with that. If you can’t live with how a person is, don’t hesitate to walk out of his life for the time being. Or forever. And do so guiltlessly.

You might have the tendency to view world negatively. It’s not your fault, it’s just because of your experiences. Count your blessings daily. There are more blessings than you are aware of. And there are countless more to come. Who would know it better than me.

So don’t lose heart. The world is yours to see. Life  is what you make out of it. Do so authentically. Live on your own terms.

Yours truly.

From a time yet to come.

Scars

The battlefield isn’t a fair place to be for too long and so when I guard and doubt more than necessary know that I come from a place where stakes were high and cynicism was a strength instead of being a handicap as you might know it. Don’t pity my scars and my distortions. They indeed are a loss of innocence and beauty as you see it. But when I got them, I also acquired wisdom and strength that your untrained eyes fail to see. The scars are both my choice and my lack of choice. So don’t force me to change because I don’t fit into your image of how I should be.  Don’t concern yourself or drive me mad when I don’t follow your rules. Know that I have it in me to stand against all of you at once, look into your eyes and say ‘This is me. Flawed but still respect worthy. Scarred but still capable of making my own rules. Daunted but more self aware than ever.’

My scars are my armors and my walls. I can’t let go of them, nor do I desire to. What I do desire is to look out into the world and ask “So what’s it that I want to do with this one chance of life the creator gave me?!”

Truce

Dear heart,

I no longer want to be a nomad now. How about building a home for both of us right on the spot where waves of imagination wash the shores of reality. How about sitting quietly at the edge of the world that exists and looking at the fascinating other world that could exist? How about me figuring out how to capture the view that you are free to desire? Let’s stop fighting, all right?  Let’s pace. Let’s dance.  Teach me how to melt and flow while I figure out what equations shall make our dance elegant and astounding. Truce?

Yours and always  yours,

Mind.

Dear Infinity

Dear Infinity,

 I am locked up in my own make believe version of you because it feels safe and least dangerous. I am doing okay. But I need more. I need a lot, lot more. And when I look out to you, I am scared. Of getting hurt. Of failing and falling. Your expanse looks wild and unfathomable. Your maze is bewildering. Your complex equations daze my poorly trained mind. Not that I don’t want to master them as you have always fascinated me beyond imagination.

The shimmering lights have been beckoning me from a fuzzy distance. I have always wondered if they are real or play of a trickster. I go through the book of logic and find no reason for them to be unreal. They can exist. But tell me, is my book flawless. Am I missing something? Couldn’t logic as I know it, mislead me and what if it does? Am I overlooking some clue that might twist the odds out of my favour? Talk to me. What do you have for me? Is it something worth having at all ?

 But if you do want to keep the suspense and uncertainty like you always do, you might. But tell me, do I have the enough strength in me to rise from the ruins again? Do I trust myself enough to trust you one more time?  Talk me to me dear infinity. This time, I really need you to talk to me.

Yours truly.

Emotions

Dear Heavenly Father,

Teach me acceptance. Because this time around I want to unapologetically embrace everything I feel. Without discrimination and without denial. And that would include emptiness, loneliness, hatred, despise, frustration, anger, rejection, disappointment, loss, confusion and fear. Teach me not to bottle them up inside me and lie to myself that I am okay. Because darkness is absolutely okay, but denial of darkness is not. Stay by me through the darkness till I see the light. And as I move through the darkness , remind me that it will inevitably pass away. Because change is the absolute law of nature. Remind me that with each step towards acceptance, I move a step closer towards mastering the play of light and darkness. With each step, I will be a little more fearless, unfettered and free.

Teach me not to resist change. Because at times we clutch to familiarity because of fear of unknown. Remind me that if things can be worse, they can also be better. And how I must take risks to allow things to be better. Remind me that I am a mortal incapable of eliminating uncertainty, and sooner or later, we have to surrender to the absolute.  And it’s the surrender than brings tranquility.

Remind me that I do deserve to experience unbridled joy. That I do deserve to feel connection, love, pleasure, contentment, confidence, abundance, wonder and hope. Just like every other emotions you created. Remind me not to settle for less when I can reach out for more. But  teach me not to chase happiness blindly.  Because happiness is inevitable. Just like hundreds of other emotions you created.

Amen

Dose #91

(Self) Love

I am sorry I betrayed you. I forgot that we are inseparables and turning away from you will make me a living corpse. And here I am after all this years, wanting your companionship yet again. Here I am after all these years of  wanderlust. After years of living in delusion of finding a lover better than you.

But hey, can you light up my world again? Like you used to. Can you make me marvel at the sight of rainbows and make me permeable to the fragrance of wet earth? Can you give my desolation a sense of meaning and purpose? Can you pull me out of the vortex of negativity and never ending rumination about how to fix my existence to make it a little tolerable? Can you revive in me the sweet art of melting in present moment without losing sight of time to come? Can you give me a warm embrace and magic potion of your smile? 

Dear spark, can you light up my world again?

Dose # 90